I have been thinking about the role of sex in my relationships. Over the course of my lifetime, I have had relationships where I was more interested in sex with my partner than my partner was interested in sex with me. I’ve had relationships where my partner was more interested in sex with me than I was interested in sex with my partner. I’ve had relationships where the only thing that really worked was the sex, and I’ve had relationships where everything worked but the sex. I can’t say I’ve ever been in a relationship where we always hit on all cylinders all the time. And I’ve always been in at least one relationship my entire adult life.
In the past four years as I’ve returned to poly, I’ve had cause to think even more deeply about the role sex plays in my romantic relationships. I always thought it was Very Damned Important. I’ve ended relationships when the sex dried up, and I’ve ruled out starting relationships when the sexual chemistry wasn’t there in the first place.
Now I’m beginning to rethink that approach as I’ve transitioned in a couple of my romantic relationships recently away from romantic/sexual partnerships to ones that are romantic and asexual in nature or both aromantic and asexual. Despite sex being off the table in both these relationships, they continue to meet important needs for me.
As someone who hasn’t really cultivated intimate friendships very often in the past fifteen years, I had forgotten how wonderful nonsexual relationships could be. Both of my partners have expressed a sense of relief that we have transitioned away from sex — because it was becoming more a source of tension than pleasure, generally. That opens up space for us to spend our time and energy in different ways, ways that are also loving and nurturing.
On the other side of this coin, the romantic aspect of relationships has also been Very Damned Important to me, and I’ve historically not been very interested in having relationships that were aromantic but still sexual. I’ve ended relationships where the sex was fantastic but the romantic connection was just not working. I’m now rethinking that, too. After all, if I can have romance without the sex, why can’t I have sex without the romance?
Poly has been liberating for me in this way. It has shown me that what I previously held as absolutes in relationships are anything but. And as I begin to let go of the idea that a relationship must check all the boxes in order to be worth my time and energy, I may be able to hold on to more of those relationships … or at least the parts of the relationships that are functional and that make my partners and me happy.
